Identity

This past year in China has often seemed like a war of attrition on my nerves--how long can I survive in a foreign country without facebook and Mexican food? Of course I've gained a lot during my time here, such as a broader world view, and most things that I've been deprived of can easily be replaced, such as cheese enchiladas. However, there is one thing that is irrevocably lost and that is my sense of identity.

I'm sure every ABC (or child born to immigrant parents) at some point or another grapples with the feeling of not quite belonging to the society he/she grows up in. While I never experienced racism growing up, I was always acutely aware of my Chinese heritage. I know this sensitivity was largely due to my parents' influence and I still clearly remember some of my dad's lectures about how we had to study hard because it was the only way we could make it in a foreign society. My parents made sure that my sisters and I knew that deep, deep, deep down we were Chinese and that no white American would ever look at us and see otherwise. We had to be proud of our Chinese heritage, learn how to speak Chinese, and in the best case scenario, have Chinese kids. This constant reiteration of our Chinese-ness led to me thinking, "Hey, some of my values may be American, but I'm Chinese and my homeland is China." It made me uncomfortable saying, "I'm American." It made me think that studying abroad in China would be an easy transition.

After living in China for almost a year, I see how wrong I was. China is not a beautiful place that explains who I am and soothes that vaguely troubled part of my identity. Instead, it obliterated the idea that I'm Chinese. I saw clearly that China is a place full of people who live, think, work, and act differently than I do. Knowledge of language and culture do not make a person. Living here has made me see my homeland is America. It's made me see that all my relatives here are strangers. I've seen what real Chinese people believe in, what they hope for and dream about...and I am fundamentally different.

I have Chinese-American friends who still hold on to--cling to, really--the idea that they are Chinese and therefore different...and therefore special. They've only dated ABCs, only hang out with ABCs, joke about token white friends, proudly join Chinese-American clubs... but yet they don't speak Chinese, don't read Chinese, have never lived in China, know nothing about China's history or present. What does cultural pride mean if you know nothing about the culture? There's nothing wrong with having friends of the same cultural background. Some of my closest friends are Chinese-American. But I know too many naive ABCs who call white people "whiteys" and have an "azn crew". Purposefully surrounding yourself with people who look like you is the most superficial way of piecing together a fragmented identity. It only serves to show others that yes, you feel like you don't quite belong to the society that you live in.

I never liked the cliques of my Chinese-American peers, so growing up, I always felt doubly displaced. But now I see what I perceived as huge cultural differences were simply imaginary. I am very glad to have had the richness of growing up with two cultural influences, and I know my experiences in China will continue to affect me in the future. Perhaps I've lost the naive idea that I am Chinese, but I think I've gained a much clearer idea of who I am. At the very least, I've realized the distinctions between ethnicity, culture, and nationality...three concepts that don't seem difficult, but can be very muddled when you come from a Chinese background. To my ABC peers--you are not Chinese. You are Chinese-American. And that is OK.